Spring Into Action

I had an opportunity to spring into action early yesterday morning.

You know, like I'm some kinda goddamn super hero or something. 

Thanks Caitlin for texting me at 8 am and asking for a lift.

From Port Angeles to Sequim.

Seriously.

This is the type of thing that's going on in my life that helps me.

I know I'm the logical choice because my family lives between PA and Sequim.

And I know she ain't gonna ask unless she's in need. This woman knows me and the daily struggles my family faces.

I'm not saying you get text me at 8 am and ask me to pick your ass up in Port Angeles and get a ride to Sequim.

Especially when there's snow on the ground.

And you gotta cross 27 bridges to get to where your going. And you've slipped on one of those 27 bridges on black ice and totaled your 4Runner.

Actually, Randy did that. I was the passenger. We were the only vehicle. But he broke the shit outta my first 4Runner. Then he bought me a newer one. Because he's a good egg like that.

Luckily, we didn't go over the McDonald Creek bridge on 101. We are living proof that those cement barricades are really, really fuckin' solid. And, no, it wasn't recent--it was many years ago; pre-children. That's how life is defined now...pre-children : since children; pre-cancer : since cancer.

But, yes, I'll pick up my dear friend and fellow breast cancer survivor who I've known since well before either of us was diagnosed because she needs a ride. Because you know when one of your closest people calls on you early in the morning you know something's going on and she needs help and that she's not fiddle-fartin' around.

Wheels turn because you need to go to Safeway because ultimately, you're Mrs. Claus and need to make sure there's some goddamned milk for Santa. Jesus.

And since you're going to Sequim, you may as well go to Costco because COSTCO.

On the Friday before Christmas.

No part of this was thought out.

But, my dear friend was willing to go to both stores, in two different towns. Twist her arm. Heh.

And then we ended up going to the Safeway in Sequim because I picked her brain and figured out what the hell to eat on Christmas Day because Jesus, this pressure is similar to Thanksgiving and fuck that! I was not into Halloween and at Thanksgiving I had an epiphany...so why not do it in three? The Big Three. Right? Even though we've been eaten the latkes, mmm-hmmm....

Make change. Less pressure. Less stress.

No tree.

Yes, child, Santa will still come. Mrs. Claus is on top of planning the route with the GPS. No, not the elves. They're total minions. Mrs. Claus is in charge. It's cool, she'll see to it that he gets here. Trust me when I tell you Santa gets all the credit. Yes, Mrs. Claus is a Bad Ass.

Less stress. Less pressure. Make change.

In fairness, we have a tree, it's just mounted on the wall. Thanks Pinintrest then YouTube.

Because we live in a small house. It's beautiful and I love it and I'm thankful for it. But I'm tired of displacing our beloved 4-legged child so the tree can be where she sleeps because she's 10 and she deserves better. And the allergies I have from the tree? Done.

But really: stop wrestling and leave the tree alone and we can't even put presents under it because there's no room and Nathan would struggle to keep his hands off of the presents and we need to set him up for success as much as possible but it's a pain in the ass and a lot of work and all the presents are in our bedroom closet and this is super stressful so why in the goddamn are we doing this?

Because at the end of the day, what matters is that we are alive and have each other.

Yes, child, it's hard to feel festive and merry when our friends are hurting and in deep pain like nothing we've ever known. His cancer was different and much more aggressive. Good question; it means "mean." Yes, meaner than mine. Way meaner than Daddy's. Yup. It was just as mean as Pop-pop's.

Well, we can help by being good friends and loving them and offering help. What helped us as a family when we were dealing with our own traumas? Hugs. Yes. And love. Yup. And sure, pray, or think or meditate or light battery operated or full flame candles or whatever it is that you do to bring comfort to yourself as long as it doesn't infringe upon whatever it is that she decides she and her children need. Because she is in charge.

It could be that what helped us helps them. It could be that they need something completely different. I do not have the answers; only she does, and she'll let us know when she's ready.

She's a mom and she's got it but she's blazing a trail nobody wants to blaze and she's got no map, no guide. And even though she's got a bunch of other moms trying to take care of her, and we all want to help but some of us feel frozen because we were so close with them but cancers changed all of it for both of our families and the unspoken could've been that my beautiful friend who needed a lift and who is a survivor and I know all too...takes my breath away....

When I'm sorry isn't adequate.

And neither is Fuck.

Fuck you, you fucking disease. For taking him. From her. From them. 

I don't know because I am not in charge, little dude. I know. That's a tough one for me to swallow too, dude. But whenever I am notified of the plan, we'll spring into action. I know you guys are worried about your friends and that you love them, my sweet boys. I hope we can see them soon, too. Yes, I will get in touch with her.

I know honey. I love them a lot too. And I'm sad too. I wish his outcomes were different. I wish the outcomes for their family were different. When Pop-pop died, Grandma said she felt a little relieved because Pop-pop wasn't hurting anymore. I imagine, perhaps they do. But there are some things that are not in anyone's control. Let's be thankful they're not in physical pain anymore. And we can do our best to help them learn to live differently. Very, very differently.



You has a voice and teach others to speak. I do not speak for you; nobody else should either. You are capable. You are strong. You have courage like nobody I've known. I am thankful for you and our friendship.

All my love always.
xo
























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