Today was an interesting day in that I learned, at about 4 am, raccoons eat bird seed.
I also learned, that if you bang on your own bedroom window, five times, really quickly, and rather loudly, and then shine the light from your iPhone onto that racoon, they get scared and jump.
But they're brave, so they come back.
Because, really, a lady at four am banging on her own bedroom window, while her husband whisper-yells, "NOT SO LOUD! YOU'LL WAKE THE BOYS!" while you're standing on her deck railing and hanging from the bird seed feeder, stuffing your face, isn't very scary.
But, when I got outta bed and got my Bogs on and stomped on the deck, that fucker took off.
I had my Maglite.
I left Abby in the house, because, as wonderful as she is, she's not particularly stealthy, and we didn't need her to get tangled up with a goddamned raccoon. Not that I need to get tangled up with a goddamned raccoon...but I have the ability to travel a bit more on the down low than a 9-year-old black lab at four o'clock in the morning.
BAM BAM BAM!!!!! I stomped out the back door and towards it. I heard the varmint scramble down the wooden posts and skirting of our house, squealing, or chirping, or whateverthefuck kinda noise they make, and scurry up a nearby tree.
Heh. Bitches. Wake me up at four in the morning.
I could see the glow of it's eyes in the tree, and for a second, because I come from a long line of paranoid Jews, and I'm a firm believer in The Boogie Man, The Closet Monster, and The Thing Under The Bed, my heart jumped into my throat.
But then I took a breath and flipped that raccoon off and slowly backed up, facing it and keeping my Maglite on it, and walked down the side of the house to the back door.
I took my boots off at the door, like you do, and headed down the hall to our bedroom, and got back in bed.
And promptly heard the party start up again.
I'm trying to fucking sleep, here!
I threw back the covers and announced: "I'm going to pull the seed feeders," to my husband, who loves me very much, is very tolerant of me, and knows that the best thing to do is just let me do get the seed feeders and then go back to sleep.
Back down the hall, Bogs on, grab the Maglite, and head back outside. STOMP STOMP STOMP down the back side of the house, grab both feeders and brought them in. Then grabbed the other two feeders on the front side of the house and brought them in, because you may as well get all the food outta the area. Don't do a job half-assed. Only whole-assed for the Andersons! Also, I don't need a goddamned raccoon in the back yard when Abby goes out there in a couple of hours.
In the morning, I filled the boys in about the raccoon and why the seed feeders, which were sitting by both the front and back doors, but that they had, perhaps not shockingly, observed yet. They were busy watching a soccer match. I told them that later we'd be outside and they could go on raccoon patrol.
Today was a beautiful, bright, sunny day, and we spent much of the day outside, working in the vegetable garden, and hauling compost. When I asked the boys to help out by peeing off the side of the deck near where the raccoons were at 4 am, they were more than happy to help. They also peed near the compost pile, just to be on the safe side. And they took a hike in the woods and probably peed all over the place, like boys do.
Whatever. Thanks for helping out. Seriously. You guys rocked it.
So, now, for a while anyway, the seed feeders are sleeping inside.