Cracking

I feel like I'm cracking.

I'm tired.

Exhausted, really.

No, scratch that. I'm fucking exhausted.

I didn't sleep well last night because a dear girlfriend started chemo today.

Breast cancer.

She's 40. Has 3 young girls. Because she and her husband are just the right combo of brave and crazy.

She is younger than me when I was diagnosed at the age of 42. All the nurses and doctors said I was too young to have such an aggressive cancer. Her's was aggressive, too. And it was coming for her.

She found it because she did a breast self exam because I've been bugging everyone to do a breast self exam. Guys too. NPR did a great story about it a while ago. It's worth the read.  

Did you do yours yet? Seriously. Like right now. Stop what you're doing and do a breast self exam.

Here's an instructional video. 

No, I didn't make it. I don't have the time right now.


You're welcome.

Anyway...so she had chemo today...and another dear friend has chemo today...they were both in the Emerald City, but not together. It's not like you're gonna ask for a 2 for 1 deal on that shit! And I think a third friend, who I'm more friends with his wife because I've worked with her for 12 years at the college, her husband had chemo today...but they got good news!


And my dad had heart surgery last week. He's fine. I may or may not blog about it later. He had a valve replaced. He chose titanium, to go along with his iron will and nerves of steel. Obviously.

And Nathan had a meltdown when he got home from school today. Because he was starving. And for whatever goddamned reason he didn't eat any of the turkey sandwich I packed for him.

*Note to self; write food breaks into his IEP. Sandwich before Science!

It's the first meltdown he's had since starting back to school. I'm not complaining. Well, I am. Because that's why I blog. Right? But really, to make it 18 days into the school year before melting. Huge accomplishment.

But still....I had to make two trips all the way into town today. It's a lot. Seriously. And the Tacoma Tacoma (what we call Daddy's truck) was at the dealership because of a recall on some part that I never heard of and they said that it's not dangerous but I'm not driving Randy's truck when there's a goddamned RECALL!!! RIGHT?!?! So I took the boys to school, then came home and took a shower then zipped his truck down to the dealership to get it taken care of and got a loaner car, because they do that when you purchase your rigs from them. And then I came home and GRADED because I teach a HEALTH CLASS and I don't feel very HEALTHY! (Irony much?) And then I took Randy to his mental health appointment. And then I took him back there again, after we got all the way the fuck home because he forgot to grab his jacket when he was done with his session.

It's cool, dude. We all forget shit. But, really, get your shit together. You need to remember.

So while he was in therapy, I went to Renaissance, enjoyed the fog on the Strait, and had a strong cuppa mint tea. I also sat and completed the Adaptive Behavior Assessment System-3 for Nathan for school. Because it's part of him being back in school. For his IEP.

And, no, my husband isn't going to break the Washington State law that says he has to wait 6 months after a seizure to drive. Because, really, if he gets in an accident where God forbid someone is killed. Well...there goes every goddamned fucking bit of happiness I've been clinging to.

Not to mention the fear of loosing my home and every other vital part to surviving....

My husband is more responsible and respectful of me than that. It's only till January. And, really, I think once we get in a groove, with school being in session for all four of us and, you know, making less trips into town...it'll be a bit more manageable. That's my hope anyway.

Besides the fact that he's still got a goddamned tube in his stomach keeping him alive...with nutritional shakes. He's been feeding himself for quite some time. I'm not making anything in the Vitamix. He's afraid I'll crush up all his meds and mix them in there and kill him. Because I told him I would. Don't worry. I'm not going to. I already would've done it. And I told my therapist before she retired and I told my new therapist. And several friends. Really it's because my humor, in the throws of darkness is that.fucking.dark.

And it's important to be honest.

It's not worth the jail time.

Besides, I'd have to poison Nathan.

And I'd smother Isaac, because that chucklehead doesn't shut the goddamn up sometimes.

I have no idea where he gets it.

Randy's likely to have the g-tube for another 6 weeks or so....I'm hoping by Thanksgiving...but it may be Christmastime...it's all dependent on how he does eating orally...which is still limited. And so he's seeing a mental health therapist.

Because CANCER. 

I didn't sleep last night.

Because my friends had chemo today. 

*Note to self: on the chemo eve of family members and/or close friends, go to bed within an hour of putting boys to bed.

And my husband is still suffering.

But I have a great new bed (don't worry, that blog on how that came together is coming).

And I get to be alone.

Try not to worry, Pat, I'm taking time to breathe. Thank you for the reminder, friend.

Because I don't want to feel like I'm cracking.

I am working on taking care of me.